Star Fox Assaulted - A Star Fox Assault spoof

[Protoss119]

Wolf: That’s not the end of it. ~casts Armageddon from Populus: The Beginning~

Fox and Wolf find themselves in an arena where they fight to the death.

Fox: You’re going down!

Wolf: I’ll tear you apart before I die!

Fox: We’ll see about that! I’m gonna crush you!

Wolf: I’ll blast you into space before-

Falco: ~bored to tears~ Darn it, FIGHT ALREADY!

Fox + Wolf: Fine… ~they fight~

Fox is busy blasting Wolf to death…to no avail.

Wolf: Pathetic. ~guns Fox down~

Fox is blown up.

Fox: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH- ~ejects~ Aww.

The huddled mass of flame and Arwing hits the Death Star, causing it to fire at Alderaan.

Wolf: ~gloats and taunts~ Oh yeah! I pwned you! You r t3h suxx0rs! All your base are belong to-

Wolf is hit by debris from Alderaan and his Wolfen is destroyed, causing him to eject.

Wolf: Mark my words, Mr. McCloud; I’ll get you for this!

Beltino: We’ve finished the weapon!

All the Ruffians on the ships: Awwww…~insert other comments here~

Fox: Great! Now we can attack the Aparoid homeworld!

Meanwhile, on Tatooine…

Wolf is giving the hitchhiker thumb to a Sandcrawler.

Fin.

[Protoss119]

Star Fox Assaulted 7

The Spoof Strikes Back by Alex Korb

When we last saw Fox McCloud, he was about to be exploded.

Fox is over the Corneria orbital gate getting his bum kicked by Aparoids.

Fox: Wait a minute! No I wasn’t!

Oh, right, no he wasn’t. Well, he was about to be briefed.

Beltino: Members of the Cornerian Fleet…

Fox: Oh bloody ****…

Beltino: …The time has come to get our arses kicked- I mean, uh, fight the Aparoids at their homeworld. So do your best, everyone…but try to come back alive…

Gate Guy: Lock 1…lock 2…lock 3…Loch Lomond…oh, what am I saying? You’re not going to listen to me anyway. ~opens the gate~

Beltino: Oh yeah, and Grimm has to come, too. No hunting ruffians while we’re gone!

Back on Katina…

Grimm: Aww… ~flies off to the orbital gate~

Back at the orbital gate…

The entire fleet, including Grimm who arrived just in the nick of time, head into the portal. When they arrive at their destination, they all see a beautiful purple planet in the middle of nowhere.

N64 Peppy: This is Zoness?!

Peppy: No, it isn't, you dolt! It's the Aparoid Homeworld!

Krystal: It's lovely...I never expected that.

Peppy: Wait! Its size and mass are disproportionate!

Grimm: What does that mean? ~cutscene approaches the other side of the planet - the uglier side~ No, really, what does that mean? ~cutscene about to black out~ WHAT THE **** DOES THAT- ~cutscene ends~

Back in the Briefing Room…
Peppy: Look! Over there! ~points to some random picture on the viewscreen~

Fox: How is it that we, animals, are able to speak English?

Peppy: DANG IT, Fox, suck it up and accept it!

Fox: OK, OK! Anyway, Krystal and I will head to the surface. Falco and Slippy, take to the skies. Let’s move out!

Falco: Wait…why are we moving out?

Krystal: Yes…you never did point out our objectives.

Fox: Oh, yeah. We need to take out these hatchers on this base, right? And then we gotta get through that tunnel thing, right? Right? Right? Ri- ~is hit by giant hammer~

Back on this Aparoid platform thing…

Fox and his team are attacking the platform.

Falco: Let’s invade this homeworld already!

Krystal: To destroy the shield generator, we have to destroy all the hatchers, yes?

Peppy: Let’s hurry up and destroy them!

Grimm: ~snaps his fingers, causing N64 Falco to spawn~

N64 Falco: Something’s wrong with the G-Diffuser! ~crashes into hatcher~

Fox: Target destro- ~is slightly gunned by Grimm~

Grimm: Quit hogging all the credit!

Peppy: If you’re interested in finishing this mission, then there are 3 hatchers le…~sees all the hatchers destroyed~

Grimm: Done!

The whole team (except Grimm): O_O

Suddenly, the shield comes up, proving Krystal’s theory wrong.

Falco: I can’t believe this! ~shoots the shield~

N64 Falco: Something’s wrong with the G-Diffuser! ~crashes into shield to no effect~

Falco: No way! Not even my crashing clone can break through it!

Peppy: Out of the way, everybody! ~flies into the scene with The Great Fox~

Falco: Frickin’ killjoy…

Back in the Great Fox…

ROB64: I like pie.

Peppy: Who cares?! Divert all power to weapons!

The Great Fox fires its weapons at a platform and then another platform before crashing into the shield.

Peppy: What are you fools still doing here?! The shield will be back up any second!

General Pepper: That’s what I tell ‘em all the time! You fools!

ROB64: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Peppy: Too bad! We’re going out in style!

Fox: ~sighs~ Peppy’s opened a road for us. We’ve got to move on…without him!

Grimm: GASP!

Falco: Grimm, shut up. This is important.

Grimm: GASP- ~shot by Falco~

Fox: So c’mon…C’MON! Let’s MOOOOOOOVEEEEE!!!!!

Everyone flies into the opening Peppy made.

Meanwhile, in the midst of space…

The Cornerian fleet is getting its arse kicked.


Fighter pilot: ~is gunned down by an aparoid~ Wheeeeee! ~crashes into asteroid~

Fin.

[Protoss119]

Star Fox Assaulted 8

The Phantom Spoof by Alex Korb

Fox and the rest of his team are flying through the homeworld core.

Fox: Falco, we have uninvited guests following us.

Falco: What?!

Mario flies into the scene in a Wolfen.

Mario: It’s-a-me! Mario! ~crashes~

Fox: WTF?

Panther: ~flies in~ Excuse him. He’s- ~sees Krystal, starts flirting with her~

Leon: ~flies in~ He talks too much. Anyway, Mario was supposed to be a replacement for Wolf, who we lost track of before this battle.

Wolf: ~flies in~ I’m right here, you dolt!

Leon: If only Wolf were here to see this.

Wolf: You fool! I’m right here!

Falco: Shows what you know. He’s right there.

Wolf: SOMEONE notices!

Leon: What are you talking about? Didn’t I say we lost track of him?

Wolf: **** it, I’m right beside you!

Fox: Let’s finish this! Hit ‘em hard!

Krystal: For Peppy and everyone else!

Wolf: Do you think we’re just gonna sit here and watch you work?

Grimm: Err…maybe? ~is shot by Wolf~ I mean no.

Fox: Jeez! Is shooting someone the answer to every problem today? ~is shot by Wolf~ STOBBIT! ~shot again and again~ For the love of ****, stobbit!

Grimm: ~says this as he's dominating the Aparoids~ You know, there has to be a better way to display curse words. ~modifies a few things~ OK, Wolf, I need you to curse.

Wolf: Of course I'm not gonna curse, you mother-3@#$%ing @#$%! ...hey, WTF?

Falco: Ha! Shows what you know, you just did, you 3@#$%!

Wolf: Shut up. There's obviously something wrong with the filter.

Fox: Who cares? Let's just blow this joint!

...

Slippy: Are we there yet?

Fox: No.

...

Slippy: Now?

Fox: No.

...

Slippy: How about now?

Fox: GAH! I'll tell you when we're there, OK?!

...

Slippy: Now?

Fox: Jeez, shut up!

...

Slippy: Are we there- ~is shot down by an aparoid~ Wheeeeee! ~crashes into enemy~

Fox: THANK you!

After passing through the swirly things of death and the closing doors of doom, Fox approaches the queen.

Panther: We're approaching the grand finale, hon.

Krystal: HON!? ~guns him down~

Panther crashes and leaps out of his Wolfen and then starts staring at her Arwing. (Note: NOT a sexual joke! He's staring at her Arwing, as in the ship she's flying.) Krystal becomes even more offended and nova-bombs Panther, who disintegrates.

Leon: That'll shut him up.

Slippy: Enemy signals coming up! F-Fox!

Leon: Hey, wait...I thought you were dead!

Slippy: I thought you were dead, too!

Leon + Slippy: ~blink themselves to death, pondering this~

Wolf: We'll distract 'em! Leon! ...Err, little bits of Panther! Let's go!

Wolf flies into the fray while Leon is still pondering.

Wolf: Leon, you're not dead, OK?!

Leon: Oh. ~helps out Wolf~

Wolf: Hey, you dumb bugs! Catch us if you can!

Suddenly, all the enemies asplode.

Fox: Alright, time to confront the queen!

They fly off and Slippy asplodes out of sheer force of will.

Fin.

[Protoss119]

Star Fox Assaulted 9

The Final Sequel By Alex Korb

Fox, Slippy, Falco, Krystal, & Grimm all find themselves at the Aparoid Queen.

Grimm: Back again, Slippy?

Slippy: ~asplodes~

Pigma (Queen): Fox…Give up…

General Pepper (Queen): Star Fox team. Accept defeat, you fools...

Peppy (Queen): This is not sacrifice…this is evolution…

Falco: Pfah.

CATS (Queen): All your base are belong to us…

Grimm: What you say!

James McCloud (Queen): Fox…I don’t want anyone to get hurt anymore.

Falco: Don’t listen to it, Fox; you know your dad is-

Fox: I KNOW! My father…my father would NEVER tell me to give up!

FLASHBACK…

Wolf: Don’t hesitate! When the time comes, just act!

...KCABHSALF

FLASHBACK...

Grimm: I hate flashbacks.

...KCABHSALF

Fox: Team, let's give the queen her present!

Queen: ~morphinates~

Falco: WTH?

Queen: ~finishes morphinating, has uber armor~

Krystal: We can't get the self-destruct program through that armor...

Grimm: You have a real knack for stating the obvious, don't you?

Krystal: Oh, quiet you.

Suddenly, the N64 Star Wolf team appears out of nowhere.

N64 Wolf: Don't get too cocky, Star Fox!

The Gamecube Star Wolf flies into the fray.

N64 Leon: 1 r t3h ub3rz0rs! L0l!

Gamecube Leon: Pfah. That's nothing.

N64 Leon: u b3 t3h suxx0rs!

Gamecube Leon: Is that so? 411 y0Ur G4(V)3 r 13101\1G 70 u$!

N64 Leon: O_O...~kneels and worships him (as if he could)~

Gamecube Wolf: I think you're lost.

N64 Wolf: ~looks at his surroundings~ ...I agree.

Gamecube Wolf: Star Fox 64 is 2 games back. G'day.

N64 Wolf: Good day. ~he and his team fly off~

Wolf: Errm...with that being dealt with, I have to get back to distracting those ugly alien-type things that should have been dead by now. Catch ya later.

Wolf's team flies back into the place with the ugly alien-type things that should have been dead by now.

ROB64 (Queen): Chances of Star Fox team success...zero.

Falco: Never tell me the odds.

ROB64 (Queen): Chances of Falco quoting Han Solo again...one-hundred.

Falco: Never tell me the odds.

ROB64 (Queen): See? I told you so. This is why everyone listens to the odds! This is why...~Grimm presses a Smart-Alek alarm and he burns in (Bob's beepers)~

Text Block'd/10.

[Protoss119]

CATS (Queen): There is no way to survive make your time.

Falco: Geez, I'm getting tired of this! Fox, finish it already!

Fox: ~fires the Self-Destruct program into the queen, thus exposing the...thingy~

Thingy: ALL FOR US. EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE WAS CREATED FOR US.

Fox: Is it working?

Krystal: I think so, but the queen is suppressing it!

Slippy: Oh no!

Falco: Oh no!

Fox: Oh no!

Kool-aid man: OH YEAH!!!!! ~realizes that he's out of place and quietly walks away~

Slippy: Fox!

Falco: Falco!

Krystal: Fox!

Grimm: Fox!

Fox: Let's go get that Queen!

Falco: Jeez, Slippy! Make up your mind!

Slippy: ~asplodes~

They all fly into the pit of mass Queenage, whereas they start firing at the thingy. Suddenly, Andross appears on the monitor.

Andross: I've been waiting for you, Star Fox.

Fox: Cut the crap, Andross. We just want to destroy the Aparoid Queen.

Andross: You know I control the entire galaxy.

Fox: Andross…

Andross: It is foolish to come against me.

Fox: ANDROSS…

Andross: You will die, just like your-

Fox: ANDROSS!

Suddenly, Andross appears with a gloat. The thingy finds itself inside Andross’s mouth…but only after his mouth closes and swallows it.

Fox: Yay! The queen is dead!

Krystal: You’re a hero, Andross!

Andross: No I’m not!

Grimm: Yes you are.

Andross: No I’m not!

Slippy: Yes you are.

Andross: No I’m not!

Falco: Yes you are.

Andross: No I’m not!

Kool-aid man: OH YEAH!!!!! ~realizing that this is the wrong time and place to be bursting out of nowhere, he quietly walks away~

Fox: Errm…before any more randomness pops out of nowhere, let’s evacuate.

Falco: Slippy, you’re either alive or you’re dead. Make up your @$&% mind.

They all do so. After they have gotten a reasonable distance away, the planet asplodes. There, they find something familiar…

Peppy: Whoo! That was hairy! I tell you, I really AM gonna retire after this!

Slippy: It’s Peppy! Woohoo- ~asplodes~

Krystal: Come now, Grimm, you can’t say you’re not happy with Peppy’s…err…resurrection?

Grimm: Oh, what the (Bob’s beepers). Yay. There. Happy?

Fox: …What’s up, Peppy?

Falco: Hey, uh, say it ain't so, buddy...you knew about this!

Slippy: Fox knew- ~asplodes~

Falco: So that explains why you’re so calm.

Krystal: But what of...

Fox: General Pepper? He’s alive, too. And Wolf’s team.

Grimm: Good. I have a bone to pick with them.

Fox: Team…

Falco: Please kill Slippy.

Slippy: And make sure he doesn’t come back! …OH NO WAIT ~asplodes~

Krystal: Yes, Fox?

Grimm: Give me a moment, I need to-

Peppy: Hmm. What now, hmm?

Fox: My friends…thank you.

With that, the three (or four, in this case) make a jump to hyperspace, but this knocks Grimm in another direction, making him jump to hyperspace in that direction.

Grimm: WheeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeee!!!!!!!!

THE END

[JYAP]

I wanted a cameo...

Oh well.(gives this fanfic the following badges)

Frogslayer: For killing Slippy repeatedly.
Bronze through Mithril: Coolness points.
N64: DO A BARREL ROLL!
Star Wolf: For making better use of them than Namco did.
Zealot: For being a Protoss.
Rain Now Hates You: For not cameoing him.
Harner Now Hates You: Likewise.
Skyli Now REALLY Hates You: Ditto.

[Protoss119]

Lol, Thanks!

Alright, the bonus mission, including cameos.

Star Fox Assaulted - the Bonus Mission

The team (except for Slippy) is in the Briefing Room.

Peppy: Slippy's gone missing! We've tracked him to Fichina.

ROB64: A huge wave of Andross's soldiers have landed on Fichina. Three battlefield commanders are there as well.

Fox: Wait...why isn't he crazy anymore?

Peppy: Beltino fixed him.

Fox: Oh, OK. Well, to ensure safety, we need to attack via Arwing. That way, we can avoid any worries about being swarmed from the ground. Let's move!

After everyone has left, ROB64 starts acting up.

ROB64: ~sparkitysparkityspark~ I like cookies.

Fichina, Climate Control Center, 57:00

Fox: Alright, everyone! Move in!

All ships boost and start nova-bombing the enemy until 3/4 the enemy is dead.

Krystal: ~sees three silhouettes approaching~ Wait...who are they?

Rain: HA! You have no chance now!

Harner: We'll blast you out of the sky!

Skyli: Har! No escape now, phools!

Falco: Punks.

Rain: PUNKS?! We'll show you punks! SCYTHE!

Harner: KATANA!

Skyli: WIND!

???: By your powers combined, I am KYLE KATARN! ~starts using Force Chain Lightning on everyone~

It all looks bleak until suddenly, LucasArts asplodes, thus causing Kyle to cease to exist. (Note: I do not really want that to happen to LucasArts because Star Wars is cool. )

Everyone: YAY!

Rain: You killed him...

Harner: How could you do that?!

Skyli: YOU WILL PAY WITH ONE OF YOUR OWN!

Suddenly, Slippy appears out of nowhere.

Slippy: Hiya guys!

Skyli uses gust attack to blow Slippy into Rain's path. Then, Harner uses throwing axes to disable Slippy's G-diffuser so he can't go anywhere.

Slippy: Fox! Get the enemy behind me! ~oblivious to the fact that there's no one behind him~

Finally, Rain slices Slippy in half with his doomish critical scythe.

Slippy: Wheeeeee! ~crashes and burns~

Peppy: Well, there are such things as acceptable losses, if you catch my drift. Finish 'em.

They all nova-bomb them into outer space.

Rain: Mark my words, Protoss, I WILL get you! You will pay for making me- ~asplodes instead of turning into some stupid star~ YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT TOO!

MISSION OWNED

Badges earned: Friendship Badge, Death to Frogkind badge, Cameo Badge, Bronze Badge, Sliver Badge, Gold Badge, Platinum Badge, Adamantine Badge, Mithral Badge

Fox: All ships are home! At last, we're free of Slippy!

Slippy: ~reappears somehow~ Hiya guys!

Falco: Oh hell.

Fin.

BTW, did you notice that from Chapter 5 to the end, General Pepper starts saying "You fools!" or "You fool!" ALL the time?